Hibernation Drawing In

As the holidays approach I'm of two minds. Part of me is trying to relax and lean into the celebrations and the seasons, and the other part just wants to hibernate through them. If I don't try for the first, I'll default to the second. Which means I need to go out of my way to stick to small goals, keep the farm humming steady, keep myself surrounded by friends and dates and stories and song - and not allow myself to whole up and stay in. I think this winter will be long, cold, and hard. It will be like that for the whole upstate area. And I can either choose to start giving up now and crawl into blankets and eat cheese in the dark or keep running, working, trying, asking, hoping, kissing, laughing, wassailing, and cheering. I hope you all find the urge for the same. We'll get through this.

Weight

It's been quite the November here on the mountain! It started with mostly just panic and fuss, all the work of getting ready for snow and the keeping the farm safe and comfortable. But there is a little bit of hay in the barn, enough to last a few weeks. There's firewood, as I wrote last post. And this woman is slowly working towards making the money for a mortgage payment before the month is over - which would keep the deed safe through the holidays. I am trying to balance all that work and the farm's needs with taking time to keep running, and keep my heart a little lighter than it has been previous holiday seasons. This time of year weighs really heavy on me but all of that could be lifted with a little luck and company, two things I am eager to find under that crusty cover of ice that is late November. I have plans for Thanksgiving by a farm fire in a loving farmhouse with amazing friends. I have a bird to fly. I have deer to not shoot because I am the world's worst deer hunter (But I will try). And so far I am stay optimistic in the fray of it all.

Stay warm out there. I will check back soon!

Colder Weather

Winter is officially here. Snowfall forecast for tomorrow and lows well into the single digits. I am glad the snow and true cold is only for a few days, by the end of the week things should be kinder, weatherwise. I am sitting in this farmhouse at a comfy 65 degrees, thanks to the wood stove that has been growling all day. There is hay in the barn, a few weeks worth. There are 2 cords of firewood stacked beside the farmhouse. The mare has her blanket. The hawk has a full crop of quail and flew for an hour earlier in the day. I will let the pipes drip all night and hope that nothing freezes, though a cold this fast and hard may very well do just that.

I have been very overwhelmed lately. I think the time change, the hovering darkness, the fears about being ready for winter and heading into the holiday season (always a sad time for me) all collected into one pile of darkness for me. To fight back against it I spend time running, hiking, outside and moving. I hunt with the hawk and work with my hands. I stick to my daily goals and stay productive as possible. But the weight of this time of year feels like walking through life with a 60lb lead vest. And the usual worries about money and making it and feeling safe didn’t feel like something I wanted to share on here. It’s the same story, hard work and hope. But the deadlines for my agent - which isn’t really a deadline as much as it is an expectation to create something sellable and good - is both a daily inspiration and burden. Every day, no matter how much I do, I feel like I am never caught up. Taking breaks to do anything else makes me feel guilty. And this is the time of year I need breaks the most. So I am in this place of hard work and hope and trying and distraction. I am balancing that with the inspiration to try and write something beautiful folks like you would want to read. On top of that there’s a farm to run, a house to heat manually, a dog in heat, a truck on its last legs, and a winter storm about to hit.

Can’t say I’m bored.

But I am also not depressed, just very overwhelmed and extremely focused. Every day feels like swimming underwater in cold water and the breaks are little loud gasps for air. All this is working towards that magical book deal, that small respite to catch up on medical and house bills. The kind of money that can get me a new (used) car to get through 2020 with. It’s all unfolding at the pace of Jenna - which right now is very much like a tired bison in a storm. It won’t stop moving forward - but it sure as hell isn’t moving fast.