Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Sleep Naked: (Updated for 2015)

The best lessons I learned in the past few years:

If you have the urge to correct someone for a statement that makes them happy or excited and isn't hurting anyone, don't. All it does is make them feel embarrassed and you sound like an asshole.

Silence is better than 99% certainty.

Everyone is going through a different kind of hard time. Never assume the poor are scared, the rich are happy, the married are in love, or the loners are lonely.

If Sriracha is an option - opt for it.

Most people would rather be hurt than bored.

Every single hero you ever have will disappoint you. Because they are human beings.

Nothing could be less attractive to me than a man who doesn't let a dog or taco in his car.

Every single thing people say to you is not a reflection of you - it's a reflection of them. How you react is the reflection of you.

Confidence and arrogance are not the same thing. One is sexy.

When people tell you you can't do something that doesn't harm yourself or others picture them saying it while buying adult diapers.

Stop asking for permission.

Frowning people driving past you in air conditioning should make you jog faster.

Mistakes leave scars, regrets leave wounds.

Community seasons 1-3 is the best comedy writing on network television, ever. Do yourself a favor and watch all of that.

Nice derives from Latin, it means ignorant.

People want sex, food, sleep and hope.
They need encouragement.

If you're going to hit someone, make sure they aren't getting back up soon.

Look up. You never look up.

Fools rush in, but at least they moved forward.

Love what you love without apology.

Love who you love without apology.

Actually, stop apologizing all together unless someone is bleeding or crying.  Own your actions.

Don't trust men whose only obligations are pets that can be left alone for the weekend.

It's okay to lose friends to entropy.

It's better to be able to pick up a 50lb bag of dog food than walk in heels. If you can do both - I fear and admire you.

You don't have to do everything you say you want to do, but you better do some of it.

I'd rather be known for admitting mistakes than avoiding them.

Cat litter: you get what you pay for.

Anyone who tells you violence and suffering should be avoided at all costs are more dangerous than most people realize.

Get hungry.


Smile at strangers.

Forgiveness is a good first choice. A right hook is a decent second, but always follow up with the first choice.

Running is bad for your joints. Diabetes is bad for your everything.

Liberals and conservatives are people that haven't realized yet that punching under water is distraction from the sharks.

Saying you're going to stop eating meat to prevent animal suffering is like saying you're not having children to prevent child abuse. Pacifism doesn't create change. Ever.

Gay rights matter.

You do not have the right to be recreationally offended. You have the privilege, dick.

Don't be a snob about music. It's the worst.

Critics who create nothing but reviews are proof demons exist.

Make the locals nervous.

Sex is not dirty, shameful, or bad - it was made by the creator of stars and thunderstorms.


Bourbon is important.

Vodka is important.

Kale is important.

Put down that goddamned phone.

Guns don't kill people. Lannisters kill people.

If you think public speaking is scary you are grossly underestimating the public's apathy.

Most people who enjoy gory movies have no idea what the inside of a freshly-killed pig smells like.

You have no idea how terrified most people are.

Hug your lover from behind when they are making breakfast on the stove.

Entertainment costs money. Having fun is free.

If you can get a horse, get a horse.

Tennessee is the best state in America. Hands down.


Money and time isn't stopping you, but that excuse is.

Speed walking is the cat person of exercise.

Food tastes better if you grow it.

Don't hang out with people who don't let dogs in their car. Christ. Just don't.

Happiness is a choice. You need to make it every single minute.

If you and your family would be dead if you were forced to stay home for 2 weeks without electricity or running water you are doing this all wrong.

Religion is not legislation. Legislation is not safety. Law and comfort don't listen, they are reactions.

Don't confuse acquisition with accomplishment.

Play more.

Sleep naked.

Leave the light on.

Visit Elkmont.

Don't prefer to be comfortable. It ruins everything.

You're not a coward if you don't jump out of a plane with your friends. You're a coward if being called a pussy is all it takes to make you.

Eat more meat - less bread.

If there aren't fireflies where you live, move.

If you can get a dog, get a dog.

Moving to a new place isn't personal growth, but if it grants perspective it's a start.

Instagram is not required validation, for anything really.

Drink more water.

Never hold back kindness.

Expect good.

Take risks.

And remember to look up. You never look up.


Blogger Unknown said...

Love this! You are fantastic. :)
Also, I agreed -- I love and miss Tennessee all the time! I lived there for 3 years before moving home to Pennsylvania, and I definitely left part of my heart there.
- Mandi (www.lifeinbeta.com)

July 14, 2015 at 11:18 PM  
Blogger lawgirl20064 said...

Simply perfect. Thank you for sharing!

July 14, 2015 at 11:53 PM  
Blogger mdoe37 said...

You're so damned wise. And as you've found out wisdom comes from living not from books.

(and you really should put these posts under a separate heading so we can refer to them often)

July 15, 2015 at 7:40 AM  
Blogger damnyankee said...

Always looks my up...

July 15, 2015 at 7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It's better to be able to pick up a 50lb bag of dog food than walk in heels. If you can do both - I fear and admire you."

HA. I frequently go to the farm store and buy 50 lb bags of chicken feed on the way home from work. (In heels and a dress).

I feel like a badass when I walk to my car in heels with that bag of feed over my shoulder.

July 15, 2015 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger Allispin said...

team cat forever!! (yet I am also a dog person somehow, and a sheep, goat, cow, chicken, and duck person... amazing)

July 15, 2015 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger Rosie said...

Do you think you'll move back to Tennessee someday?

July 15, 2015 at 1:19 PM  
Blogger 2 Punk Dogs said...

Hey, you forgot one: don't fry bacon naked. :)

July 16, 2015 at 10:33 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I don't necessarily agree with all of these...I mean Tennessee, really? Have you ever lived in Texas? But holy moly if you didn't hit the nail on the head with a lot of them...and they made me giggle. This girl is a huge fan. Just sayin'. :)

July 17, 2015 at 8:38 AM  
Blogger Mary Wilson said...

Love your lists! I misread this one:
"Nothing could be less attractive to me than a man who doesn't let a dog or taco in his car."
I read it as "Nothing could be less attractive to me than a man leaves a dog or taco in his car," and you know, in this hot weather, that works too.

July 17, 2015 at 10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I have to add..."Scotch is important".

July 17, 2015 at 3:32 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Montero said...

AHAHAHAHA guns don't kill people, Lannisters do. Best laugh of the day, thanks Jenna :)

July 24, 2015 at 9:26 AM  

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