Friday, August 10, 2012

feeling better, figuring out fall

Daylight did come, and I met the day with a better attitude. I really believe if you're scared and negative all you do is draw more fear and negative things to you. If I'm positive and act in accordance to my own will, things happen for the better. You can call it faith, magic, prayer, or the Mayan 2012 prophecy, I don't care. But I do know that you get what you think about. I chose to think about getting where I need to be.

Here's the situation. My mortgage and car payment are up to date. Merlin's payment is up to date. My student loans and trash pickup are up to date as of today. My electric bill and internet bill is up to date. My home, health, dental, and car insurance is up to date. There is a start to my hay stash in the barn and Patty and I worked out a deal that if I can't buy it all now I can buy hay from her second cutting she stores in her barn, paying as I go through the winter. So I have a backup plan for hay if I can't get it all in before snowfly, but I do want at least a 2-month supply on hand. I'll feel better knowing that its there. So will the animals. I can get a hundred bales, I am almost halfway there already.

Firewood news! I got a week-long farm sitting job($!) for a neighbor down near Cambridge's famous Content Farm and they took down thirty old trees last summer that seasoned all year and they need help clearing it out. They said if I am willing to help with my truck hauling and moving logs and cut and splitting their stove wood I can take home some as well, probably a full cord! Thats a fine exchange of time and labor for heat so I am thrilled. It will cut my boughten wood costs in half.

I need to order a large order of lumber from the mill to finish up the siding on the horse's pole barn, but Brett told me I could ask for all rough-cut, seconds, or scraps and might get a discount. I certainly know it can't hurt to ask the guys at the mill. Anything I can save is money that stays in the bank, to pay off debts and work towards my own freedom. I might be dog paddling while I do it, but my head is above water and that's success in its own right.

All these things are slow progress, but progress. All figure out already, and I knew them in my logical mind but like a comment said in the daylight post earlier, anything after midnight is just pure emotion. It's not about sense, just anxiety.

I feel better, more in control. I know I'll get the mortgage paid on time, and the truck payment on time, and soon everything will be ready and ordered for the barn. I have Brett and Ajay to help with the hard stuff and big plans to make for the Fair and Antlerstock and all of it will come together. I was feeling scared last night, but I don't think I'll go there tonight. A little valerian and chamomile tea and some rest will pull me through to dawn without a fuss.

You can't let despair get a hold of you, if you do you're going down. Negativity hunts in packs like a pride of lionesses. You slow down enough to let one jump on your back and slow you down and in no time a hundred other things weigh you down until you can't even try to swing. You are helpless, punching under water. I am not going there. I have a plan. I made my choice. I'm farming right here, dammit and nothing is going to slow me down.

Lionesses, eat my dust.


Anonymous cowgirl said...


August 10, 2012 at 2:42 PM  
Blogger Fresh Eggs Farm said...

That's right allowed yourself to be swallow by the fear a bit and that forced you to figure out the Plan A and Plan B. You can do've always made it work in the past and you live in a community that won't allow you to fail.

August 10, 2012 at 2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love how you pull yourself up! Last night I had a similar night--circling over and over again the dilemma of how to buy a car and a house at the same time. At some point, I had to force myself to STOP thinking about it. I tell myself the problem will still be there in the morning and I can worry about it then. amazing what the mind can convince itself to do!

August 10, 2012 at 3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love how you pull yourself up! Last night I had a similar night--circling over and over again the dilemma of how to buy a car and a house at the same time. At some point, I had to force myself to STOP thinking about it. I tell myself the problem will still be there in the morning and I can worry about it then. amazing what the mind can convince itself to do!

August 10, 2012 at 3:06 PM  
Anonymous WB said...

This might just be a silly idea from a city girl, but it seems like there might be some useful lumber in old barns. Maybe you could scavenge some from another farm where the barn is falling down and no longer used. You do them the favor of helping to remove scrap, and they let you keep what you need.

August 10, 2012 at 3:09 PM  
Blogger polly said...

kick ar$e, jenna. what cowgirl said!

i like that midnight comment - i will remember that when it spirals for me also.

you know, there's a refrain i sing when i'm happy and when i'm sad, up or alone. it has always run together in my head (yes - and shouted into the wind on a sunny day from the car) so much that only a few years ago did i figure out what the african chant in my head 'said'. it sounds like this:

ahmonmahweh ahmonmahweh AHM onmahweh.

again and again it repeats, with a rhythm and cadence that always feels comforting. about 3 years ago i started to get interested in the mantra on afternoon on a long drive. it's always been there chanting me through thick and thin, and when i spent the time to break it down, it turned out that i was saying this to myself:

I'm on my way. i'm on my way. I'M on my way.

August 10, 2012 at 3:14 PM  
Blogger SHJeffers said...

Dang now I have that SONG in my head.

August 10, 2012 at 3:36 PM  
Blogger luckybunny said...

So glad to read this :) night time is always the worst the time for worries, fears, and anxieties, which life can give us plenty of. In the light of day, everything is always better, we always feel stronger and more able to cope with any challenges. If anyone can get through these things, you can. I absolutely believe in you and know you believe in yourself, look at all you have accomplished! Everything will fall into place. I'd still drink the tea tonight, a little calming tea never hurt anything and sleep is important! Awesome about the farm sitting and wood, I'm always amazed at what a great community you live in ... its not like that where I live at all... you are lucky there are like minded folk around :)

August 10, 2012 at 3:50 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

You're right about not letting despair get a hold of you. Presently, my husband and I are dealing with financial difficulties, yet we are holding strong to our dreams. When I start to get overwhelmed and down I think of seeing our pastures filled with happy animals eating and our gardens growing wonderful food, and then I breath a sigh of relief. It will happen and there will be bumps in the road of life, but then there wouldn't be any interesting stories to share with others. Thanks for sharing your bumps and remaining positive it helps more than you know.

August 10, 2012 at 3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find that fear turns into a challenge for me to overcome - and then there is no stopping me. When other people say I can't do something, I tend to ignore them or just prove them wrong. My own mind is more difficult. I tend to over-analyze things. However, when it's fear, for some reason, I want to do it more - just to slap fear in the face because it always pisses me off(in a good way!?! haha.).

I'm glad you are feeling better and it sounds like you are getting where you need to be for winter. You seem to have an awesome community and that means a lot!

August 10, 2012 at 4:08 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

I find that a lot of times if I just say the fears out loud they don't seem as scary anymore. When you hide the fear from people who care about you...the fear just festers there. So keep scares the fear monsters away! Nyou will make it Jenna, it will all work out.

August 10, 2012 at 4:37 PM  
Blogger Woman Seeking Center said...

You're right Jenna, fears (much like fevers) peak at night. The darkness is like the sea - it can be soothing or it can be rolling terror, even hell.

I think you're wise to acknowledge monetary and supply concerns, seek & devise a plan a (& b and c, lol). I've seen many fail because they had NO fear, NO backup plan.

Both extremes (total fear or no sense of awareness/concern what-so-ever) can bring a farm or a dream to its knees.

Going thru a challenging time here at this old farm too and want to tell you from my heart - 'thank you' - for sharing honestly. Every time I let a sharp edge or broken corner (aka tough time, frustration or discouragement) wake me at nite or show in my blog writings I worry I should be stronger. I worry putting it to word isn't the right thing to do. I worry I shouldn't admit it, but rather keep it to myself. But when I read your real life/real person "hey this is how it is and sometimes it's damn hard" it makes me feel SO much less a failure. Lets me feel 'ok' for waking up, overwhelmed at times in the nite too. Thank you for that, thank you... so much.

Step by step, one thing at a time.
It works out, we find ways - but it's sure nice to know I (we all) are not alone (or crazy, lol) because of the honest way you share here.....

Sometimes HAVING the dream is almost as hard as desperately WANTING the dream ~ a truth that takes some effort to wrap ones mind and heart around, for certain.

August 10, 2012 at 5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Atta girl!! You've got some pluck!
About the hay, my neighbour stores loads of bales for everyone over the winter. I don't think it's a bother for him. Plus, he leaves his barn door unlocked so anyone can load what they need. Some people pay directly, others barter by feeding his horses/cows while he and his wife take MUCH needed time away. Everyone wins.
The farm-sitting/wood score was just brilliant.

August 10, 2012 at 7:24 PM  
Blogger jim said...

jenna, know you have too many to answer so don't - but doesn't your friend jon have a collapsed barn on his new bedlam farm that he might want to get rid of some of the old lumber from. this could be used on your barn-just a thought-nothing wrong with weathered barn lumber-we've used a ton of it in the past------good luck- you have a plan

August 10, 2012 at 9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I was reading, I kept thinking "she needs some valerian to calm herself down so she can think straight." Lo and behold, you prescribed it to yourself. In the immortal advice of Stever from Blue's Clues, "Stop. Breathe. Think." Gets you through anything. :O)

August 10, 2012 at 10:51 PM  
Blogger Holly said...

Great way to be resourceful, Jenna. Maybe you could post up a little ad in your local farm/grocery store that you would like to barter for hay. Also, I have to echo WB's comment about possibly using old lumber that is sitting on someone's property. Craigslist often advertises free wood as well as materials. Also a new resource is Restore,a habitati for humanity store. I plan to use those resources for lumber, tile, bathroom fixtures, etc for my farm. Even if it is a long drive to one you could split the cost of gas with a fellow farmer/rehabber. And yep, your fears are "our" fears, you don't step out of the box without wondering what will drop on you (at times) and if you are up to it. But you know you are and with time all fears diminish and solutions arise.

August 11, 2012 at 8:15 AM  
Blogger kwalk said...

Jenna, you rock. It's as simple as that.

August 11, 2012 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger kwalk said...

Jenna, you rock. It's as simple as that.

August 11, 2012 at 9:38 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Right on, sister!

August 11, 2012 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger 2 Punk Dogs said...

I agree with WB and Holly about reusing lumber from old barns. My Dad took down old barns in Maine that were falling apart in exchange for the wood. It was a lot of work, but technically the wood was free since we were on summer vacation.:)We built my horse's one stall barn and hay storage for under $200 when I was 14 mostly out of reclaimed lumber, even the doors were reused.

Maybe you could have a reverse barn raising to clear out Rocky's old barn at Jon and Maria's New Bedlam Farm? You could use the wood and they wouldn't have to pay to have it hauled away. We might be able to come if it's before school starts on September 5.

August 11, 2012 at 12:20 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

Faith is Fear that has said it's prayers! The night is always darkest before dawn!

August 11, 2012 at 8:49 PM  
Blogger 2 Punk Dogs said...

Heck, we might be able to come if it's on a weekend in Sept or October & my course load isn't too crazy! We'll be about an hour away in Vermont at least 1 weekend in October. I might be able to bring my brother, who is picking up a new to him 24 year old dump truck tonight, woo hoo!

August 13, 2012 at 9:07 PM  

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