Wednesday, December 16, 2009

chance and slumber

I've had a bit of tunnel vision lately and for that, I apologize. I feel like the blog has taken on this manifest destiny of finding and buying a farm. Since Thanksgiving it has been a pretty chaotic sprint, but I'm starting to settle back into old routines and learning to just enjoy this place again. For a while the cabin turned into a problem that needed a solution. Now I've accepted that all I can do is, well, all I can do. For tonight this place is mine and the fiddle sounds just as sweet as it always has by the fireside.

Outside isn't as welcoming... The wind chill is supposed to drop to -10 and a steady light snow has been falling since I left the office. During my night rounds I tied an old blanket to the coop's chicken wire door, creating a windbreak from the snow. Winthrop watched me from his roost like a benevolent dictator as I struggled to do this before my hands went numb. That chicken always makes me feel like he was once Canadian Royalty. I guess it was nice of him to allow the help.

When the birds had fresh corn scratch and the door safely shut, I walked over the the sheep to make sure the defroster was earning its keep. The water wasn't frozen and no snow dared to set on it's rim. I felt like I won something and gave the flock their hay.

I used to get really stressed out and I'd call my friend Raven to talk me down. The best advice she ever gave me was this. She'd say, "Jenna. There is nothing else you can do about it tonight. You can't fix all your problems, or even begin to fix them, in one day. Just know that you're moving forward, did what you could, and nothing in the next twelve hours is going to change. So go make some tea, read a Harry Potter book, and breath."

And that is exactly what I'm doing. Well, almost. I'm reading that Five Acres book, not Rowling, but you get the drift. Sometimes you just need a friend to whack you over the head with the obvious so you can get a decent night's sleep. My teapot is on the stove heating up as I write you. After this long day, I'm resigning the next twelve hours to chance and slumber. This is what it must feel like to be a cat.

Jazz is with me, breathing heavy and asleep. He seems more tired lately. I try not to think about him growing old. I know how foolish that sounds. I only try.


Blogger Unknown said...

a cup of tea and a book. that sounds like a good idea. glad to see you relax a bit and enjoy the journey, bumpy as it may be at times.

December 16, 2009 at 9:25 PM  
Blogger Penny said...

Your friend gives good advice!

December 16, 2009 at 10:08 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I think your friend has been talking to my mother. I've heard those words so many times before. Good advice, indeed! You must take the time from doing to allow the next step to come, too. It's hard, though sometimes, isn't it? Tea. Tea to the rescue.

December 16, 2009 at 11:05 PM  
Blogger finsandfeathers said...

Yes! The amazing beauty of a great cup of tea and a good book on a winters night to settle the soul. Don't forget a splash of brandy :)

I'm looking forward to the CAF DEC 21, 2010 posting about the Winter Solstice celebration and the new farm

December 16, 2009 at 11:47 PM  
Blogger nancmcp said...

We all need friends like that, to pull us back from the ledge occasionally!

I'm off w/ a cup and a book as well. Wish I had the snow to go with it, but I'm not sure I enjoyed feeding horses in -13 degrees as much as I remember.. :-)

December 16, 2009 at 11:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It seems like the best advice around tonight. My gf just gave me the same advice tonight re. dealing with our lenders. Every week we think we're getting the go-ahead and every week there are more hoops to jump through.

It helps too if you can get all your problems out of your head and on to paper in the form of a "to do" list. It frees up your brain to focus on just the next step and not the whole giant problem.

Enjoy your tea. I've just put a pot on myself.

December 16, 2009 at 11:56 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

Good luck on finding your farm. The world needs more conscientious people producing food.

December 17, 2009 at 12:15 AM  
Blogger Robj98168 said...

On the goood news front I got my Chuck K pic today! Thank You so tomorrow I need to go and pick out a proper frame for it.I am so pleased!!!

December 17, 2009 at 5:08 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

Enjoy your Jazz while you have him. The black dog who licked my plate the day you wrote "We're not from around here" had to be put down. We sorely miss her.

December 17, 2009 at 5:13 AM  
Blogger amanda claire said...

I never comment (I'm a lurker, 'tis true)but i have to tell you, for some reason -- I had a dream last night that you got your farm! It was nice and sunny out and you had a sheep shearing party (?!?) and -- this was a very important part of the dream -- a compost heap. Dreams are funny, huh?

December 17, 2009 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger Paula said...

Enjoy Jazz while you have him and treat him extra special. My condolences to Mary. I've had to put down one dog and had another die in my arms, and losing old friends either way just sucks. So smother Jazz with love and don't think about later on.

December 17, 2009 at 11:46 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

I tell my husband the same thing all the time (he's the fretter in the house). The only trouble is, he never seems to believe me! Things will work out as they're supposed to. They always do. And when they happen, you'll want to be refreshed. ;-)

December 17, 2009 at 11:47 AM  
Blogger Lil said...

It's like that AA saying, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." I'm not an alcoholic nor am I particularly religious but I've always found some measure of comfort from that prayer. As for Jazz, I totally understand. My dog is 13 years old and there've been mornings lately where she didn't look like she was breathing as she lay by my feet on the bed but it was just me and my worrywart tendencies (and the fact I didn't have my glasses on). :-)

December 17, 2009 at 12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As dog lovers, we sadly know that day will come, but we rush blindly forward to hug them all the same. Loving them completely means one day having to do that last, greatest kindness, as I know you are all too painfully aware.

I watch the snow creep into my boy's muzzle, and I know that someday, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps 4 or 5 years from now, I will have to be the best steward I can for him.

You will snuggle your Jazz and give them all your love, and someday... someday.

But that day is not today! *raises a cup of tea to you!*

December 17, 2009 at 4:10 PM  
Blogger Moon said...

Our time with them is all the more sweet for it's brevity. When the time comes, you'll miss him sorely, but there will be another handsome fellow out there very much grateful for the space that Jazz leaves in your life to be filled by a new wolfish love. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow, my dear, it comes all too quickly.

December 17, 2009 at 5:12 PM  

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