Saturday, July 25, 2009

i will cut you

You think I can't handle you squash? Huh? You think just because you're eighteen inches long and weigh a metric ton I can't figure out a way to put your overgrown mass to use? Well I can. In fact, I have big plans for you. BIG plans. You thought you were the honcho over there in the squash pit? You thought it was cool to take all your vine's energy while your siblings continued to grow at a modest, respectable pace?

Well sorry buddy, we're not much for inflated egos around here. We're more into zucchini chocolate chip cookies or zapple pie. What, you ask? What's Zapple pie? Well, to be perfectly honest I'm not exactly sure, but while paging through some garden cookbooks I found a bunch of recipes for cooking you down in lemon juice and soaking you in pie spices, and how you can taste just like an apple pie if done right. Which frankly, sounds suspect, but what the hell I'll give it a shot.

I just want you to know you're going down. And it's not just me taking you out: it's this whole gang. 'Cause a lot of folks backed me up here and sent me recipes to make you into everything from brownies to crab cakes. You're in a hot mess. We don't stand for ostentatious squash at Cold Antler.


Blogger Tara said...

HAHAHA! We have an answer for that sort of thing too -

July 25, 2009 at 8:39 AM  
Blogger Jenna Woginrich said...

Tara that was amazing!

July 25, 2009 at 8:49 AM  
Blogger Jenna Woginrich said...

is your blog title a play off this american life? if so that is priceless.

July 25, 2009 at 8:50 AM  
Anonymous michelle said...

Zapple Pie? I might have to go looking for that recipe..

July 25, 2009 at 9:52 AM  
Blogger Floridagirl said...

The pie will work, Jenna. I used to make one out of Ritz crackers (yes, RITZ CRACKERS)and even IT tasted like apple pie. Yup, I'm crazy but wanted to see if it worked like the receipe said---and it did.

July 25, 2009 at 10:24 AM  
Blogger Turtle said...

hmmm, may have to try zapple pie. I have zucchini coming out my ears and more almost ready to pick!

July 25, 2009 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger John Taylor said...

Great zucchini! I have a monster that I have my daughter holding. I will post it on my facebook if you want to see it!


July 25, 2009 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

It is, yes. :)

July 25, 2009 at 4:05 PM  
Blogger Sarah Rachelle said...

HAHA! You tell that zuke!

July 25, 2009 at 5:12 PM  
Anonymous RenĂ© said...

It's my understanding when they get huge like that they start to get a little bland, so maybe zapple pie would work. If nothing else, cooked and pulped zucchini makes a good filler in spaghetti sauce. I'll be looking forward to your pie recipe.

July 25, 2009 at 7:27 PM  
Blogger Rois said...

I do believe I read about a Prairie Home Companion segment about once Zuc season hits you must lock your car doors when going to church (or I suppose into town would work too.)or you would find a bag of zuc's waiting for you on your seat.
Beware friends of bags on your front seat...LOL!

July 25, 2009 at 9:02 PM  
Anonymous Green Earth Goodies said...

Okay, you're all gonna laugh...but...

I live at 8500 feet in the Rockies, literally perhed on the side of a steep mountain. That combined with bears in the area means that I can't really garden in the soil, so my dear hubby built me a garden box on my deck last year. We face South/Southwest and most plants get sunburned with the full sun exposure, dry air and high altitude. These issues combined with cold nights translates to VERY difficult gardening conditions.

Anywho, I planted my seed indoors back in Feb./Mar., they grew very slowly, I transferred to my outdoor garden box in June and of all the things in that box at the end of July, all I have is one tiny Zuke, the size of my thumb and it has me jumping for joy.

Although it's frustrating living in a hostile environment for gardening, I tell you what - I cherish what little does grow and I just keep on trying!

So for anyone who admonishes their overgrowth of zukes, remember poor little me who can barely grow one!


July 25, 2009 at 10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious post! Thanks for a much-needed-Monday-morning chuckle!

July 27, 2009 at 9:40 AM  
Blogger Maggie in Tally said...

For all you folks w/zukes coming out your ears, The Amish Cook at Home book has some recipes..good ones. There is also a website:

July 27, 2009 at 12:41 PM  

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