As far as getting my head wrapped around this issue of keeping the farm, I'll say this much. I write about it here because it's what is happening. And being honest makes me feel less isolated. So I will share the month's progress towards getting out of this ditch. I have learned over the years you can't look at problems as a whole monster. If you are scared of anything - be it debt, a marathon, a relationship, a job interview - anything - you need to tackle one part of the monster at a time. No mere mortal can wrestle a monster and win. But you can learn to trip a foot, or dodge from a claw. You can spend your time being overwhelmed or spend your time figuring out how to beat him.
Today I ran short of my income goal, but I still made a sale. Some of you signed up for blog subscriptions or sent contributions (thank you!), and some just plain emailed me or commented in support. All of these small actions add up to enough ammunition to maybe blow up a big toe on the monster. And since today's goal was "blow off foot" (so to speak) it's start. You don't have great balance without your big toe. It hurts the monster. He's less stable and I'm more confident. Is this metaphor too much? I'll stop.
Point is, some people never think about taking out big toes. They can only see the whole monster. They can't allow themselves to believe in the chance they had. I'm at the point in this dream that it is harder to not believe in myself. The evidence that I will be okay feels real. Losing the farm doesn't. Which isn't to say that it isn't possible, just that I know how to take out toes. If I have enough time and wit and luck by this time next week I may have already sent in a payment, basically putting Gamera in a wheelchair. (I have been picturing Gamera this whole time). Still deadly, but far less of a threat. A giant turtle in a wheelchair is still terrifying, but I can run up the stairs. I gain some advantages when all I could see is impossible.
If all that was too long to read. Here's the gist: Today I woke up scared. Then I went outside to the surprise of the first lamb of the season. A lam on my own farm, one I have managed to pay 20% of the entire mortgage off in my six years. Then later I had a pop tarts for dinner.
Success isn't always a straight line.