Wednesday, June 13, 2012

pretending

This first week has been strange. It's odd, and I'm not sure I'm doing it right yet. Honestly, it feels like a long weekend, or a vacation off. It doesn't feel like a business or a serious writer's home. I have open word docs, new chapter outlines, and design projects in progress. I am working with readers to set up workshops and fiddle camp barters. Yesterday a pack of eager college students arrived for a farm tour and talk (wasn't I just a college student?!) and today I have a web design meeting with a local artist. I am staying busy, keeping on task, the farm has never had such attention.

And yet I feel like I am pretending. Like it didn't really happen? It feels like in a few days I'll be back at my desk and back to the normal file folders and lunch breaks. But I KNOW that desk is swept clean, and I've been removed from the record sheets. There is no going back right now. I made a decision and I understand that, but I am waiting for it to sink in, or feel real.

Right now everything feels like limbo.

23 Comments:

Blogger Kristen said...

You can DO this. It'll sink in. You're just in that crazy free fall mode right now where your arms are pinwheeling and you're trying to remember how to dog paddle and wondering WTF did I jump in the first place, but pretty soon everything will click and you'll be doing that perfect swan dive into your new life. :)

June 13, 2012 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Katie Swanberg said...

I felt like that for a while too. Trust yourself and your Intuition - you made the right choices. If you believe things will always work out, they always will, maybe just not the way you thought they would.

PS - I have been waiting for the day when I see a Mother Earth News fair flyer/ad in a magazine and your face is on the keynote list. It happened yesterday when I picked up a magazine and I was so happy for you that I started squealing with job.

You're going places, Jenna. Trust the process. Things will work out!

June 13, 2012 at 11:24 AM  
Anonymous cowgirl said...

When my daughter entered college not long ago there was a smattering of speakers welcoming new students and family. This college was hours away from home, rather exclusive and rather intimidating to my girl. But she wanted a "college of the mind", and had obviously been accepted so here we were. A very memorable speaker impressed upon us that "Here you[students} are, scared and afraid of failure and that you will be found out as incompenent BUT KNOW THIS[now speaking in BOLD] YOU ARE NOT IMPOSTERS!!". Same goes for you, Jenna.

June 13, 2012 at 11:25 AM  
Blogger Holly said...

Sounds like you are just going through the classic breakup motions. You will get there, it's a new life for you and you have plenty reason to feel unsettled. Have a cup of tea and go shovel some shit! Great therapy!

June 13, 2012 at 11:40 AM  
Blogger Holly said...

Sounds like you are just going through the classic breakup motions. You will get there, it's a new life for you and you have plenty reason to feel unsettled. Have a cup of tea and go shovel some shit! Great therapy!

June 13, 2012 at 11:41 AM  
Blogger Holly said...

Sounds like you are just going through the classic breakup motions. You will get there, it's a new life for you and you have plenty reason to feel unsettled. Have a cup of tea and go shovel some shit! Great therapy!

June 13, 2012 at 11:41 AM  
Blogger Holly said...

Sounds like you are just going through the classic breakup motions. You will get there, it's a new life for you and you have plenty reason to feel unsettled. Have a cup of tea and go shovel some shit! Great therapy!

June 13, 2012 at 11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's gonna feel weird for awhile. But accept these feelings (they're temporary); don't give the mental chatter (aka FEAR) the energy it's requesting. It will go silent eventually.
We've all been conditioned in our culture to place high value on work, income and consumption. But you're look for value in work that's less tangible. The bills will get paid and you're learning how to take care of yourself in a more authentic way.
Many other have posted that they, too, took the jump and landed just fine. In spite of their doubts.

June 13, 2012 at 11:59 AM  
Blogger seagoddess said...

It may feel that way for a while (and if you have the rainy weather we have it will feel even longer!) But once you find your groove, get those nasty unsigned contracts signed, and get going it will feel right and normal...hopefully. Just keep hugging those puppies and it will be okay.

June 13, 2012 at 12:19 PM  
OpenID eagleandjournal said...

I graduated about six months ago with my PhD in history, and I've been dealing with some of the issues you've talked about here with unemployment and self-employment, as it were. I've been overwhelmed by a lingering sense of aimlessness, drifting through life. I keep house while my wife works, and I tend my garden, but with no job, or sign of a job, it's been hard to maintain myself intellectually and mentally.

Keeping a schedule and a routine will help you avoid the problem of boredom and depression that can arise from the sense of being cast adrift. The farm chores and regular daily routine will help maintain some semblance of normalcy, and the shift to a full-time agrarian lifestyle is what you're after, but stick with the book and the written work that you're starting. The mental stimulation is just as important as the physical stimulation.

This is real, and you've made the jump that so many of us want to make. If I could find the money, it's a jump I'm ready to make in time to put a crop in next season. Try and enjoy the feeling of vacation now; you're finally living the life you've wanted for so long.

June 13, 2012 at 12:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You just need to get your groove.

June 13, 2012 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger Ashling said...

Give it a little time. Eventually it'll become gloriously natural!

June 13, 2012 at 12:45 PM  
Blogger Sara Thompson said...

I have felt that way when I worked from home. It's hard not to feel like you don't have a real job but in the end you will be happier. I'm envious - I'm back to the work world and now am dreaming of life on the farm. The longer I'm here the stronger the dream. Now I just have to find that farm (we lived in the country but it wasn't exactly a farm).

June 13, 2012 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger Sue Sullivan said...

Thanks for making me think of my fav Clapton album <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUwWSniwJeA

These poor brains of ours -- all those comfortable, well-trodden neural pathways wondering what they heck just happened and why they aren't being fired any more. New pathways being facilitated with every passing day will eventually just as comfortable and familiar. No fun riding out the transitional phase though. Take it extra easy on yourself!

June 13, 2012 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger Paulette said...

When I first started teaching, it took months before I could shake the feeling that I was pretending to teach. I would walk into the classroom and feel as though I was play acting. Happy to say, that feeling went away and was replaced with a feeling confidence and knowing I was in the right profession. These are early days for you. Give yourself time. You have so much talent!

June 13, 2012 at 2:08 PM  
Blogger PansWife said...

What you are feeling sounds normal for people who have their own business and work at home. There is no signal to tell you work time has ended. It all blurs into a 24 hour mass of tasks and projects. There is no dividing line between work and home such a commute on a road or rail. The concept of quitting time is gone because you can always find something to work at, and even feel guilty when you are not always doing something. People often think if you work at home you have a lot of extra time, actually I think most self-employed people fill that extra time with more work. I know I do.

June 13, 2012 at 2:29 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Mmmmm... I'm thinking totally normal.

June 13, 2012 at 3:59 PM  
Blogger Sarah Mc said...

hey Jenna change is a weird thing.. I think it will sink in over time unnoticed and one day you'll look around and know you are living your dream.

Also I was wondering about some design/ logo design? You can email me at daughteroftheplow@gmail.com

Sarah

June 13, 2012 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

I have felt that way for the past 6 months. I still feel out of sorts. I was at my previous job for 24 years. I miss my friends and the routine of things...but not the place. Hopefully all will work out well for you. Worry will change nothing, so don't let it wake you up!

June 13, 2012 at 8:41 PM  
Anonymous Rural Aspirations said...

I think that's pretty normal any time you have a major lifestyle change. Don't worry that it means anything other than you have spent pretty much your entire life having to do the "9 to 5" thing and now your brain needs to adjust.

If it means anything, I totally think you did the right thing. I'm really proud of you for taking the leap of faith. I know it will work out for you. Nothing worth the effort comes easy, but you will make it!

June 13, 2012 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger redhorse said...

Wait until you start having the dreams where you're back at work, and then you think, "hey, I quit, I have work to do at home, what am I doing here? Can I just leave now?"

June 14, 2012 at 7:31 AM  
Blogger Monster Librarian said...

Congrats! This must feel exhiliarating and terrifying!

June 14, 2012 at 9:16 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

You'll be a different person by the end of summer. It'll be like you've been doing this your whole life. Enjoy!

June 14, 2012 at 9:44 AM  

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