Tuesday, February 2, 2010

worse than love

I should know better than to get emotionally invested in this house. I should be solid steel during these meetings. I should care about it as much as I care about the filing cabinet in the office. Poker face. Stiff upper lip. Walk away like a champ. But getting emotionally invested in my lifestyle is what got me where I am today. It's what drove me to move cross country (twice), start a renter's homestead, write this blog, author books, and try to make some sort of difference in how I consume. So I've been attached to this house before I even knew it existed, before I ever saw it. It's the embodiment of a life I crave so deeply—I'm certain my claw marks are already on the deed.

I just want to go home. I want it so much it physically hurts.

Another person is being shown the house tomorrow. I found this out moments ago. I made my offer, did my level best, and they countered. We came an an agreement that made them happy and only cost me fifteen more dollars a month. We're not out of the woods yet though. The other people can beat my offer, and take it to a lawyer or something. Plus, I still need to be approved for a mortgage, which is the razor's edge of this whole thing. Since I've been dedicated to fixing my credit I've raised it 20 points, but it's still twenty points below what the lenders wants. If they decide no, I'm basically out the dream. That's going to be a very bad day.

I just hate the thought of it going to people who won't use the land. So now I feel like a jr high girl who just passed the cutest guy in class a paper with Do you like me? Circle yes or No. and I'm waiting on pins and needles (more like a horizontal stegosaurus) to see if I get my dream or need to start figuring out another year of importance and renting.

This is ridiculously stressful. I know in my logical mind that there are other homes and everything happens for a reason, but to lose out on this place, at this price, near my work, with a ticking time bomb of eviction over my head....

Buying a farm is worse than being in love. Especially for me. At least with a house, I have a shot.

If you pray, please pray. If you meditate, please meditate. If you can send good vibes, voodoo dolls, spells, rosaries, nods to the east....anything, please do it with a scrappy girl in Vermont trying to find home in mind. People say they're pulling for me, well, It's time to start yanking.

71 Comments:

Blogger Christina said...

Praying, tugging, pulling, & generally hoping in your favor! I understand the stress of house hunting...making an offer, waiting to hear if they accept, waiting for the bank, waiting for the inspection...lots of waiting. Hang in there!

February 2, 2010 at 5:27 PM  
Blogger Ann Essko said...

Yup, I'm praying, sending positive thoughts, and the whole shebang!

February 2, 2010 at 5:35 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Tug tug! Fingers crossed and all the rest...

February 2, 2010 at 5:36 PM  
OpenID chickadeeworkshop said...

Reiki coming your way tonight, sweetie.

February 2, 2010 at 5:36 PM  
Blogger deb said...

I just finished reading *Made From Scratch*, and this is my first visit to your blog. My husband and I are also waiting to hear if we are getting a mortgage (after trying to raise our score), to buy our home on 5 acres. I say our home, b/c I cannot imagine anyone else loving and caring for it like we would. Praying all goes well for you.
deb
<><

February 2, 2010 at 5:40 PM  
Blogger Steve & Denise said...

I'm yanking Jenna. It will all work out - the universe is unfolding exactly as it should...

February 2, 2010 at 5:49 PM  
Blogger kate said...

Keep your chin up, Jenna. You will land in the right place.

Last time I bought property (in VT) something very similar happened. I made an offer, there was a counter, and someone else was going to be making an offer. I was asked if I wanted to go higher and said no, but told the seller he could contact me again if he was still interested in my offer later.

And he did. I own the place.

Don't assume the other people are in a better position than you are.

February 2, 2010 at 5:55 PM  
Blogger kim @ her bonheur du jour said...

They say the best prayer is
a "thank you" prayer and not
just asking God for things,
because He knows what you want,
and what you need, and asking
over & over is doubting.

That is the way I try to
pray--on my knees before bed
giving thanks--and just assuming
that things I can't change will
work out in my favor.

I haven't won the lottery
yet, or found a decent man,
but I'm sure they are on their
way. ;-)

February 2, 2010 at 5:59 PM  
Blogger sissyjane said...

I'm praying, with fingers crossed! How long do you have to wait?

...and hopefully those "other" people won't even like it!

February 2, 2010 at 6:01 PM  
Blogger Dawn Dutton said...

I will keep you close in thought and prayer! It will all work out....

February 2, 2010 at 6:04 PM  
Blogger Gloria said...

Jenna,
I'm wishing, hoping and praying along with everyone else but I'd like also to be practical. What would it take to raise your credit score to where the bank wants it? I'm willing to help you achieve that goal and I have a feeling I'm not the only one.

Gloria

February 2, 2010 at 6:05 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

I'll be sending you good vibes!! and I'm with Kate, when I bought this farm, It was love at first site, I knew I had to make it mine. The sellers rejected my best offer and we had to close negotiations. I looked for weeks for something else and found nothing. Then, recontacted the sellers and it turned out the other offers (3 since I had last spoken to them) had all fallen thew. They took my offer and here I am, in my true home.

It'll happen for you too. I just know it :-)

February 2, 2010 at 6:12 PM  
Blogger twistie said...

Heck instead of tugging, why don't wwe hook it up to a duelie and gun it?! It'll work out as it should. I think if you were'nt emotionally invested in the house something would be off, right or wrong, it's how you are. I can say this because I do the same thing!

February 2, 2010 at 6:14 PM  
Blogger Duane said...

Jenna, I was very upset over reading your comment that unlike love you had a shot at this place. My goodness girl....you are a beautiful young lady with so much going for you....don't worry about love...when the time is right...you will find the person of your dreams and things will turn out fine. I hope you don't take this the wrong way....but when I seen your pic of that house....I didn't see that as your place...I don't know why...but it just didn't ring true. If it turns out that you get that place I guess I will eat crow. But..I don't know why...I can't explain it...but it didn't seem right. I think your special place is out there...and it might not be revealed yet...but it will. Stay true to yourself and your beliefs.

Your friend,
Duane

February 2, 2010 at 6:17 PM  
Blogger She + Him Photography said...

Jenna,
When you get your new house / homestead, I'm going to make you a print of this for your kitchen (or wherever).

http://sheandhimphoto.blogspot.com/2010/02/prettiest-egg.html

It's one of your eggs you brought down with you..I love the color.

February 2, 2010 at 6:22 PM  
Blogger Tuliegirl said...

I see you have prayers, positive thoughts, reiki, vibes, tugging, but no vodoo dolls yet. So- here goes. The doll is in her home that she loves, with her animals, fertile pastures, good friends, good music, good food...

February 2, 2010 at 6:25 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I can see why you are so anxious, the place seems practically perfect for you. It will all work out, Jenna! In the meantime, hang in there.

February 2, 2010 at 6:27 PM  
Blogger John said...

It's tough to keep a poker face all the time trust me. I play poker:-) Hopefully you get what you want!

February 2, 2010 at 6:28 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

Jenna,
I just listened to a wonderful podcast of "Speaking of Faith with Krista Tippett". It is the last interview with John O'Donohue. It originally aired on 9/17/09. So much of what he said reminded me of you. Of music that sends you. Writing. The beauty of your world. Please go listen to it. I hope that it will help return you to your center. To calm you and pass on a blessing to you as you have done for so many others.
Peace, Sylvia

February 2, 2010 at 6:28 PM  
Blogger Amigo van Helical said...

Jenna,

I hope you get the house. That said, from my point of view as an outside observer, you have made great progress toward your dream in the past year. You've improved your financial position. You've firmed up your ideas about what you really want. You've started looking seriously. So even if this particular place doesn't work out, you're closer than ever. You're doing it. It's taking its toll on you emotionally, but you really are doing it.

--M

February 2, 2010 at 6:29 PM  
Blogger John from Taos said...

Speaking as someone who had a home in the country in MD and sold it for peanuts before the big real estate bubble grew in order to move to NM and spend 10 years in chaos and poverty, I can truthfully say: "You can't take it with you."

Whatever happens is the right thing. If this doesn't work out, something better will come along. Prices are only going to keep dropping, you know. Hang in there.

February 2, 2010 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

We're here for ya girl.

February 2, 2010 at 6:37 PM  
OpenID emily said...

Fingers crossed. And toes.

February 2, 2010 at 6:42 PM  
Blogger TCavanaugh said...

I am praying for you...but remember: God's Will Be Done. It needs to be right for you. Good Luck! :)

February 2, 2010 at 6:52 PM  
Blogger Lil said...

Pulling, tugging, yanking, hauling for all we're worth. I also have my fingers crossed which makes all this pulling for you even more impressive. ;-) Good luck!

February 2, 2010 at 6:53 PM  
Blogger kandy Gray said...

got my sweet grass going; trying to pull in the big guys for you.

a poker face is not always necessary either. my husband definitely did NOT have a poker face when we were looking at our house. he enthused! made it quite clear that he LOVED it....

the sellers gave it to us for 2000 more than we offered and did not take a bid that came in after ours that was their asking price because they thought that the house would be better appreciated in our hands!

February 2, 2010 at 6:55 PM  
Blogger Paula said...

Jenna- what a roller coaster ride you're taking us all on!

If this one doesn't work out, you just have to trust that it was because it's not the right place.

I looked for nine months before I bought my first house. It felt like forever, but it did finally happen and it was the right place. I was put into a neighborhood where the folks all took care of each other, which is something you can't really look for. It was helpful and comforting as a single woman to know that my neighbors were keeping an eye on me, and you can't put a price on that.

So, if it doesn't work out, it wasn't the right one, and you just keep on working on your credit score and looking for your farm. You'll find it eventually. It could be this one, it could be the next one, it could be ten farms from now. But it will work out when it's right. Have faith in that.

February 2, 2010 at 6:55 PM  
Blogger Erika said...

Fingers and toes crossed!!!!

February 2, 2010 at 6:57 PM  
Blogger Tora: said...

Damn girl, this is one hell of a ride your on! And although you may not feel like it - we're all on it with you. Right behind you every step of the way with all of the moral support and intestinal fortitude we have. I'll be sending positive energy with Reiki all week long. Just remember that all we can do is pray for the best to happen.

February 2, 2010 at 6:57 PM  
Blogger spiderjohn said...

Jenna,
You are young, under the gun to find someplace to move to. Don't rush and don't settle for something that you will hope to love. I don't think your heart will ever find a place in New York.

February 2, 2010 at 7:12 PM  
Blogger Abi said...

Jenna! They ALWAYS say that! There is never another person they are showing it to. It's a real estate tactic to push someone they know is on the edge, over it.

When we came to see this house the Realtor said the same thing after she showed it and knew that we liked it. We were like, "Oh great. We hope that works out for you." And then we didn't call her until we really thought about the house about a week later. She called us 1,000,000 times in the meantime ;) There was no one.

However the first time we bought a house, the Realtor said said the same thing and guess what? We ended up buying a house that night!

Don't worry. Don't rush. It seems maddening but houses don't sell fast and they aren't selling right now so the ball is entirely in your court.

February 2, 2010 at 7:24 PM  
Blogger Rachel B. said...

Good luck! I'm pulling for you as well.

February 2, 2010 at 7:35 PM  
Blogger Rois said...

I just remembered an old wives thing that may at least take your mind off of some of your woes.Here it goes...
Take an apple and carve it to look like a house.As you carve think about what is you need/want in a house.When you are done eat what is left of the apple/house.
This worked for friends who were in your boat and they found their house shortly after doing it.
May be it's crazy voodoo or some such thing but it couldn't hurt.
Still wishing you luck.

February 2, 2010 at 7:40 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Jenna, Yanking and hoping hard for you! Take heart, things will work out...

February 2, 2010 at 7:44 PM  
Blogger Holly Hall said...

Good thoughts are making their way up there from Oklahoma right now!

February 2, 2010 at 7:48 PM  
Blogger DebH said...

I send my biggest strongest vibes and good voodoo and Play Fight Win along with a "you go girl" from the middle of nowhere in SD. You have a determination that I can akin too. Isn't it the best feeling in the world! Determination and Positive thinking!! You'll get there..I just know it!

February 2, 2010 at 7:56 PM  
Blogger Holly said...

More good vibes! Don't forget to breathe.

February 2, 2010 at 8:02 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Thank you so much, all.

Duane, that was very kind of you. It was more or less a joke about my own bad scorecard with relationships. I always tend to fall for guys who aren't interested in me. Maybe there's a pill for it.

But for those of you saying it doesn't feel right or New York doesn't feel right - I guess we'll see. If it doesn't work out, for any reason, then it doesn't.

Worst-case scenario I'm a very educated renter who can knit in the round.

I just really, really, want it. I've been watching this property for months when it was out of my price range. It's slowly dropped over 40k.

We'll see.

February 2, 2010 at 8:02 PM  
Blogger sahmeam said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 2, 2010 at 8:08 PM  
Blogger Spring Lake Farm said...

Positive thoughts! Envision your desires, believe and pursue them (not that you aren't doing that already with life but specifically in regards to this house). Anticipate that things will work out. Worry and doubt drain you.

In the meantime, my fingers are all crossed and tons of good thoughts are headed to you from down south!!!!

Sandy

February 2, 2010 at 8:14 PM  
Blogger ammamcp said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 2, 2010 at 8:14 PM  
Blogger Meredith said...

We are pulling with everything we've got here in NY for you tonight Jenna.
We really, really hope you get it! Please let you know as soon as you know - you have all your friends on pins and needles out here just waiting to hear that it is yours.

February 2, 2010 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger ammamcp said...

Hey Jenna - I'm praying, meditating, tugging, whatever. This really is a roller coaster, but each step of your journey has offered you more and more support.

I do know how hard it is to wait when you can taste it, but I know your place is out there waiting for you patiently, even if we're all not!

February 2, 2010 at 8:17 PM  
Blogger Debi said...

Praying,sending Reiki(if you're willing to recieve it),good vibes...the works.

Did they already sign the contract? If so they can show it all they want, but can't yank it out from under you without damn good cause and/or a lawyer.

Blessings,
Debi

February 2, 2010 at 8:52 PM  
Blogger Jeff_in_Pawlet said...

I know it will all work out for you and I'm sending positive vibes your way. I live 1000' from the NY border but after living in that dysfunctional state for 30 years, I'll NEVER trade in my green license plates!

February 2, 2010 at 8:53 PM  
Blogger waitingforcider said...

Jenna, keep the updates coming!!! We are all holding our breath for you!!! House hunting is totally stressful, head over heels craziness. Try to pull back when you can and keep it in perspective. Think ahead-- what happens if you *don't* get the house. Think and plan for the worse case. And then whatever happens- you're ready for it!

February 2, 2010 at 9:05 PM  
Blogger MIB said...

Sending out love for you and your dream, Jenna.

February 2, 2010 at 9:14 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

When I bought my house, I did everything backwards. I went to the bank first, got a number, and then I knew how much I could get approved for in the first place. The people at the bank told me that no one did it that way; I couldn't understand why not. It made too much sense to me to do it like that, because then I had a number and I could look within my number, etc., etc.

It is very stressful, house-hunting. I wish you well. Hopefully everything will work out!

February 2, 2010 at 9:26 PM  
Blogger Story said...

Yanking in your favor!

February 2, 2010 at 9:35 PM  
Blogger wconway002 said...

Adding another prayer for you!

February 2, 2010 at 9:40 PM  
Blogger panthercreekcottage said...

Love that house too. Be a prayin'for ya.

February 2, 2010 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Mare said...

Prayer, Reiki, and healing loving vibes coming your way...

February 2, 2010 at 10:00 PM  
OpenID thatsthelife said...

You never know, selling a house is an emotional process too.

Do the owners know what you're planning on doing with it?

You could write them a letter, telling them about your plans, your dreams, how you'd love to take care of that place for them. A personal touch like that can make the difference. Friends of mine in Toronto got their first house for $5,000 less than the highest bidder because the family liked them.

Having said that... maybe looking at properties before you're approved for a mortgage is a tad premature. I think that's what's making it ultra-emotional, because there's so much unknown, so much beyond your control.

So I'm sending all the good vibes your way Jenna! Good thoughts for you getting approved and getting this place which looks like a great fit for you & your needs.

February 2, 2010 at 10:35 PM  
Blogger Bri said...

praying for you here in MI :)

February 2, 2010 at 10:36 PM  
Blogger pjo2179 said...

i hope all turns out well for you and just know that everything happens for a reason... that being said, if you don't get this house, let me give you some advice- they're not making any more land.. you can always remodel or do an addition if your needs change in the future. my 13 acres sounded plenty when we bought our house 3 years ago... now we're waiting for the lot next door to go on the market!
and some more advice- let your farm work for you, don't work for your farm.
ok, enough of that. good luck!
pam

February 2, 2010 at 10:42 PM  
OpenID Zio said...

OMG this reminds me of waiting for that perfect buy off of ebay...just way bigger ofcourse. No worries it will happen for you!

February 2, 2010 at 10:44 PM  
Blogger Reason's Whore said...

Well, I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Things just happen and we humans try to find reasons for the things after the fact. I also don't believe in prayer or wishing or any of that stuff.

However, I do know for sure you will have a place of your own. You will get this house, or you won't. If you don't, you'll find another one. With the economy as bad as it is, there are going to be more coming on the market.

It's tough to fall in love with a property and not get it. Unfortunately it does happen all the time when you're buying real estate. Just hang in there. You will get a place of your own soon, and it will be great, with space for all your animals, and space for you to do what you want - music or crafts or raising a family of your own.

Everything works out okay in the long run, even when it's not what we might have thought up for ourselves.

February 2, 2010 at 11:06 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Here's just one more soul pulling and tugging for you and your wonderful dream, may it come true and more.

February 2, 2010 at 11:28 PM  
Blogger John Taylor said...

Lifting you up in prayer as always.

John

February 2, 2010 at 11:32 PM  
OpenID mountainchicken said...

All sorts of pulling, yanking, tugging, and praying heading your way from Colorado. We want, need, you to live the dream for those of us that can't right now. I feel like it's not just your farm but our farm. We'll find solace and peace in your solace and peace. But if it doesn't work out, there's still another day and another breath. It'll all shake out as it ought.

This brings me a great deal of peace when I feel like the world is crumbling:

"Every moment is perfect by virtue of existence."

Breathe and cross your fingers.

February 2, 2010 at 11:51 PM  
Blogger Robj98168 said...

Actually when I bought my house I witnessed another salesman showing the house and that put a fire under me to get with my salesman and get the ball rolling. Good thoughts coming from here!

February 3, 2010 at 12:38 AM  
Blogger René said...

Wishing you luck and if need be I've got black candles and chicken feathers at the ready.

February 3, 2010 at 3:04 AM  
Blogger WeekendFarmer said...

Good luck! I have been there jousting with the sellers...when I was buying our place. I so badly wanted it...I was physically sick! The letters, the lawyers, the faxes...threats, deadlines...what a mess. I had the worst seller in the world to deal with. And THEN...God eased my path. The septic failed : ) ... brought the price down by $40K and the house was ours.

I remember our first phone call to the realtor. He heard our budget and said...this is xxxxx county. You cant get a house for that price here. Btw, this house has this and this and this and that. Well...we have been here for 3 years now : ).

It will all work out....you will get your dream. It will happen if it is good for you. You never know whats around the corner...if this doesnt work out. I pray it does. All the best!

February 3, 2010 at 3:11 AM  
Blogger Jack said...

If I were the seller I would let you have the house based only on the emotions that you express, because then I would know it’s going to someone who will appreciate it and take care of it. Unfortunately this is not the trend, so I will pray that it works out for you. Be sure to document all this, especially the emotions that are trying to control your life, someday you can use this material for a best-seller! In the meantime we are here, also on pins and needles to see if you get your dream…stay focused

February 3, 2010 at 4:24 AM  
Blogger Affi'enia said...

Meditating with you on my mind Jenna.

Deep down you ahve it all right. You know that there will be other oppertunities, that this isn't the only piece of land in the universe. However you are already invested in it because you want "home" so much.

I'm wishing you all the luck in the world but more importantly I'm wishing you the strength to wearther disspaointment. Just in case the stegosaurus stands on you.

Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes.
Buddha

February 3, 2010 at 5:28 AM  
OpenID frau_wolle said...

Sending positive thoughts. We went through something like this two and a half years ago. Visualize (if you don't already do) letters with your wanted address on them, or business cards or something. Remember houses and properties choose their owners, and you'll be No.1 on any property wishlist.

February 3, 2010 at 5:56 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

So it seems like you might need a distraction...pick up your seed catalogs---you're going to have a garden wherever you are (house/apt/cabin/camp). You're moving in May right, so your garden will be what you can reasonably handle this year, no matter where you're growing it. Don't let the stress of a bidding war change you're real focus. Blessings.

February 3, 2010 at 6:03 AM  
Blogger Eleanor said...

Jenna, miracles DO happen when a homestead you love is meant to love you, as well. My husband picked out our current home before it even came on the market. It was EXACTLY what we wanted, and for months he drove by it, hoping for a sale sign in the front yard. Meanwhile, we were frustrated and worn out because our weekend cabin in North GA would not sell... for a year and a half. We FINALLY sold it and hopped a plane for a long weekend in the FL Keys. Tues AM back at my desk, hubby called; a for sale sign had appeared in the front yard! I did not know he had been watching the house daily. The sign, we found out later, had gone up Monday. We looked at the house Tuesday, made an offer Wed AM, $5000 below market price. By noon two other offers came in at full price. The owners told their realtor to call ours and state that if we'd meet the price, they'd sell to us! We have lived here now for ten years, and like you, are on a long frustrating hunt for "our" farm. This time we know it will appear when the time is right. Oh, and I also had a financial exception for the loan that was rare, and our realtor found a broker who made it work.

Girl, you can't help but become emotionally involved in the search for your farm; 80% of any such sale is emotional.

We are rooting and praying for you!

February 3, 2010 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger Ivy Mae said...

I know that if this is the house meant for you, it will happen! Please keep updating--I know we've never met, but I often find myself thinking about your situation! Praying for you!

February 3, 2010 at 9:21 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Prayers and positive vibes from someone who was 54 before she finally got to buy her farm and ease her barnheart.

February 3, 2010 at 4:01 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Yank Yank Yank! It's agony when someone else looks at the property you want to buy! Here's to hoping/pulling/praying/sending vibes that it works out for you. And the USDA loan idea is a very good one.

February 7, 2010 at 5:03 PM  

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